Disheveled raggedy hobo, reprimanding suit: Get a haircut!--Overheard in New York

Student #1: Is lettuce a vegetable?
Student #2: No. It's a salad.--Overheard in New York

Yankee fan: Yeah, I'll have a grilled chicken sandwich and a vanilla iced coffee.
Apathetic cashier: Crispy chicken sandwich?
Yankee fan: No, grilled, sorry about that--I thought I said grilled.
Apathetic cashier: And you wanted a Diet Coke?
Yankee fan: No, a vanilla iced coffee.
Cashier: Oh.--Overheard in New York

Girl #1: I don't want, like, a 9 to 5 job.
Girl #2: Well what kind of, like, job do you want then?
Girl #1: Like... maybe 10 to 6?
Girl #2: Isn't that like 9 to 5?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I, like, want to travel and the hours work better.--Overheard in New York

Woman #1: Have you ever heard of Feng Shui?
Woman #2: I've heard of him but haven't heard him.--Overheard in New York

Attendant: Water or juice?
20-something woman: H2O, please.
(attendant hands her juice)--Overheard in New York

Honest woman: I have no maternal instinct. If I had young, I would eat them.--Overheard in New York

Scruffy guy: Do cockroaches need oxygen?
Chick: Um... what?
Scruffy guy: Do cockroaches need oxygen?
Chick: I have no idea.
Scruffy guy: Cause I was thinking, if they do, maybe that's why we never see them in this elevator, where there is no oxygen.--Overheard in New York

Gangsta #1: Yo man, that shit ain't coo.
Gangsta #2: I know, wutchu gon' do wit dat?
Southern tourist to friends, whispering: I think that's what they call e-bo-nics.--Overheard in New York

Little old black lady: Excuse me.
Metro guy in sunglasses with legs spread across three seats: (no response)
Little old black lady: Son! I know your balls can't be that big. Close your damn legs!
(other people laugh, and Metro guy closes legs)--Overheard in New York

Woman to teen girl: Where did you get those fabulous blue eyes?
Brown-eyed dad: From her mother.
Woman: But blue eyes are recessive.
Brown-eyed dad: You have no idea what a bitch her mother is.--Overheard in New York

Ghetto boy, pointing to fish in tank: When you say twelve cents, do you mean, like, twelve pennies?
Amused pet store worker: Yes, we mean twelve pennies.--Overheard in New York

Girl #1: But... Isn't he from Japan?
Girl #2: Duh, Japanese people speak Chinese!
Girl #1: Oh my god! (laughs) You are so funny! People from Japan speak Spanish. Everybody knows that!--Overheard in New York

Teenage girl to friend: Boyfriends are so overrated, except not really because I really want one.--Overheard in New York

American tourist #1: Wow, your English is really good!
Scottish tourist: Um, thank you.
American tourist #2: Yes, it's really very good. You sound like a native speaker. What language do you normally speak in Scotland, anyway?
Scottish tourist: English.--Overheard in New York

Boy to limping blonde struggling to keep up: Oh my god, if you were a horse I would shoot you.--Overheard in New York

Coworker, talking about rappers: Eminem? He ain't got style. When he came out he was just trying to be the black Tupac.--Overheard in the office

Female caseworker #1: It was so cute. The one kid wrote, "you are awesome." but spelled it a-w-s-u-m.
Female caseworker #2, after pause: Wait... was that wrong?--Overheard in the office

IT guy #1: Why are they in this order?
IT guy #2: It's alphabetical.
IT guy #1: No, it's not.
IT guy #2: How do you figure?
IT guy #1: S before q.
IT guy #2: Come again?
IT guy #1: You know... S, t, q, v, w, x, y, z. (pause) Wait a minute...--Overheard in the office

Coworker, angrily: I can't help it if I care! I have a soul.
Boss: Leave it in the car on your way in.--Overheard in the office

Six-year-old: Do you know where rainbows come from? (pause) THE MEXICANS!--Overheard in Minneapolis

Girl: Can fish die from loneliness?--Overheard at the beach

Loud woman, about sting rays: They have a six-foot wingspan of five to six feet.--Overheard at the beach

Little boy wearing rash guard: Mom, that little boy isn't wearing a shirt.
Mom: Mmm-huh.
Little boy: Why doesn't he have to wear a shirt?
Mom: Because his mom doesn't love him, that's why. He'll get skin cancer and die.--Overheard at the beach

Trashy looking blonde, as two girls walk into a party: Ew, why are there smart people here?--Overheard at the beach

Teenage girl to boyfriend: Ew, look. Haley is over there. Whore. She comes here like every day with nothing better to do.
Boyfriend: We come here every day, too.
Teenage girl: Yeah but at least we like, have friends.--Overheard at the beach

Ditzy college girl to friends, about seagulls on a dock: This might be stupid, but are those birds? They're so evenly spaced!--Overheard at the beach

Flight attendant, over loudspeaker: We will now be dimming the lights for the remainder of the flight.
(Lights dim)
Flight attendant, in deep, sexy voice: Are you in the mood to fly now? I thought so...--Overheard everywhere

Incredulous girl: They wanted me to do jury duty. I told them I ain't no snitch!--Overheard everywhere

Teenage daughter: I had some caffeine pretty late tonight, so I'm gonna take an extra 50 milligrams of Seroquel.
Mother: I'll be sure to call Mary-Kate if anything bad happens.--Overheard everywhere

Hipster girl to another: I consider myself single, except for the part where I have a boyfriend... so I can't cheat on him.--Overheard everywhere

20-something guy: I'm gonna buff the shit out of my nails!--Overheard everywhere

Professor: I advise you all to make love, at least once, outside in the rain. It's the best feeling in the world.--Overheard everywhere

School counselor, trying to get kids to guess a career: This person might work in fashion, or decorate houses...
Fourth grader: A gay guy!--Overheard everywhere

Student #1: The professor wanted us to list our ten favorite books.
Student #2: So?
Student #1: All I could think of was "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie."--Overheard everywhere

Guy: So how's it going with Tom?
Girl: Good. He's stuck with me.
Guy: You're like a virus.
Girl: No, I'm more like something good you can't shake. Like a baby.--Overheard everywhere

Instructor, during wine tasting: So swirl the glass and tell me what you smell.
Student: It smells like oak?
Instructor: Yeah! I'm definitely getting wood from this.--Overheard everywhere

Girl to teacher, about Underground Railroad: Wait... didn't the white people hear the train go by?--Overheard everywhere

Guy #1: So how's your women studies class going?
Guy #2: Good! There's so many fine bitches.--Overheard everywhere

Man: You know the black guy from Transformers? You know who I'm talking about?
Woman: Megan Fox?
Man: Yeah.--Overheard everywhere

Teenage girl: Potato chips are like flakes of god's skin.--Overheard everywhere

Teen girl #1: I wish a jellyfish would sting me so some handsome guy would run along the beach, whip out his dick and pee on me.
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: To neutralize the sting, dumbass.
Teen girl #2: I know that. But still: what?--Overheard everywhere

Girl #1: Walking is the most natural form of transportation.
Girl #2: Or the birth canal. It's like America's water slide.--Overheard everywhere

Literature substitute teacher: Did I hear that correctly? Did you say "Please don't rape me with your feelings"?--Overheard everywhere

Teacher, on first day of school: So, did anything particularly exciting happen during your vacation?
Loud teenage girl at back of room: I lost my virginity... three times!--Overheard everywhere

Abnormally skinny girl: I feel fat.
Normal girl: Shut up before I smother you with my muffin top.--Overheard everywhere

Mom to child yelling and running around: Quit it! You embarrassin' me in front of the white folk!--Overheard everywhere

Mother to young son: The sign says that polar bears are carnivores. That means they eat mostly plants, but will eat meat when they can find it.--Overheard everywhere

Boy: Why do you wear that on your head?
Muslim girl, indifferently: So the aliens don't read my brain.--Overheard everywhere

Boy: Yo soy sexy.
Teacher, hyperventilating: You can't say you're sexy! You're only fifteen years old!--Overheard everywhere

Frustrated man with heavy Arabic accent to wife: I got the most chicky-flick movies I could find!--Overheard everywhere

Girl #1: So, yeah, when the cops like think you're kinda drunk or something, they'll get you to do the ABCs.
Girl #2: What? I can't even do that when I'm sober! I'll try now. A, b, c, d, e, f... then j, maybe?--Overheard everywhere

Girl on cell: Yeah, so I'm going to tell my mom that he asked me to marry him, and then he died. (pause) Yeah, she'll probably ask if I need anything, and that's when I'll tell her about the car. (pause) Yeah, I'll be heartbroken, blah, blah, blah... at least I'll get a new car out of the deal! (pause) He's a made-up boyfriend! She's not going to find out he didn't really die, because he never really existed!--Overheard everywhere

Checker, as customer places avocados on the belt: Are these lemons?--Overheard everywhere

Drunk girl to guy she just met: I'm not having sex with you!
Drunk guy: That's okay, I'm on my period.--Overheard everywhere

Professor, near the end of two-hour lecture, taking a few deep breaths: I'm losing it myself, I'm bored!--Overheard everywhere

Lady in suit to man in wheelchair: Well, you're quick on your feet, I'll give you that. You're quick on your feet... Oh.--Overheard everywhere

Girl #1: I got a lot of color without being in the sun very much; just in the car.
Girl #2: I'm so jealous!
Girl #1: Well, I also went to the tanning salon...--Overheard everywhere

Guy: That's an unfortunate-looking girl.
Girl: She has Down syndrome.
Guy: I'm going to hell.--Overheard everywhere

Young boy: Good gracious, I'm high!--Overheard everywhere

Female worker #1: As a smoker these days I really feel like a social leprechaun.
Female worker #2: You mean "leper"?
Female worker #1: What?--Overheard in the office

Office drone #1 at copier: I want a sandwich.
Office drone #2 at copier: It only prints and copies.--Overheard in the office

Director of nursing: Getting it once a week is better than not getting it at all, which is what I was getting.
Maintenance guy: What?
Director of nursing: I need my office vacuumed more often!--Overheard in the office

Professor: Whoever taught you to write like this should be flogged with your severed writing arm.--Overheard in the office

CSR to coworker: I don't really understand sororities. I've always been able to make friends, get drunk and have random sex without having to pay dues.--Overheard in the office

Building guest: I'm supposed to be upstairs on the 23rd floor for Cox.
Building security: Whoa there!--Overheard in the office

Coworker #1: Well, I climbed over the fence and knew that it hurt for some reason, but I didn't realize it was an electric fence until I climbed back over a second time.
Coworker #2: So you're pretty much telling us that cows have more sense than you?--Overheard in the office

Engineer: I keep getting a message that says the document has been deleted. What does that mean?
Database admin: What do you think it means?--Overheard in the office

Secretary to photocopier, lovingly: I spend more time with you than I do my husband.--Overheard in the office

Guy #1: Are there any bagels left from the meeting this morning?
Guy #2: Yeah, but we're saving them to reuse for another meeting tomorrow.
Guy #1: Wait. What? We can spend $20,000 on presentation materials, but we can't spend $6 for fresh bagels?!--Overheard in the office

Office drone to coworker explaining technical process: The only value I bring to this conversation is my ignorance.--Overheard in the office

Office Mormon to guy drinking beer at dinner: Dude, you're so drunk.
Drinker: I don't tell you what it's like to be Mormon, so you don't tell me what it's like to be drunk.--Overheard in the office

Black coworker, showing off book: It was on Oprah's Book Club.
White coworker: Oh, okay.
Black coworker, putting book under shirt: And now I'm hiding it, cos I don't read books. I'm black.--Overheard in the office

File clerk: So do the Summer Olympics happen every... eight years?
Law clerk: Um, four years.
File clerk: I'm taking this quiz. Is Canada in South America?
Law clerk: North America.--Overheard in the office

Coworker, about baby that she brought to office: Oh, she's three months old.
Random office worker: Do you have other children?
Coworker: Yes. Two. Both older.--Overheard in the office

Boss in special activities division: The short answer is: it's classified.
Bearded man: What's the long answer?
Boss: The long answer is: it's classified, and I don't like you.--Overheard in the office

Male tech #1: Chris, are you pregnant and considering adoption?
Male tech #2: Yes. Wait, what?--Overheard in the office

Wife, browsing through movies: Well, how about The Midnight Meat Train?
Husband: Your mom rides the midnight meat train.--Overheard in the office

Girl in smoking area: Yeah. Well, they say that the United States has the most severe weather of our whole country.--Overheard in the office

Older Asian lady: Oh, you shaved your beard off!
IT guy: Yep!
Older Asian lady: Now I don't have to be afraid of you.
IT guy: What?
Older Asian lady: Every time I saw you with your beard, I was afraid you were going to mug me, but now you don't look like a mugger.
IT guy: Thanks... I think?--Overheard in the office

Woman walking up to crowd around idling bus: Is the bus full?
Person in crowd: There’s standing room only.
Woman: What does that mean?--Overheard in Minneapolis

Pretty Blonde Girl #1: He had the biggest ‘Mr. Winky’ I have ever seen.
Pretty Blonde Girl #2: ‘Mr. Winky’? Really? You are 27 years old.
Pretty Blonde Girl #1: What ELSE are you supposed to call it?--Overheard in Minneapolis

Girl arguing with her mother: But mom, I’m, like, almost 16, I think I know what’s best for my baby.--Overheard in Minneapolis

4 year old boy: Mom, is God real?
Mom: I dont know, Google it.--Overheard in Minneapolis

Guy, suddenly getting up from table: Gotta go!
Girl #1: Where's he going?
Girl #2: Maybe he's Superman.--Overheard everywhere

30-something guy : Growing up sucks. If I knew it was going to be like this I would have put on some tights and run away to fucking Neverland.--Overheard everywhere

Woman #1, approaching register counter: Ooh! Kinder eggs! I love those things!
Woman #2: What are they?
Woman #1: They're chocolate! With something inside!
Cashier: They're hollow chocolate eggs.
Woman #1: With a surprise inside!
Woman #2: Ew!
Cashier: It's a toy.
Woman #2: Oh. A toy.
Cashier: Whoa, okay, just imagine you were a kid again, and what a surprise meant when you were a kid.
Woman #2: I know... I know. It's just, adult surprises are never fun.
Woman #1, walking out of store: What were you thinking it was going to be? A penis that would squirt all over you?
Woman #2: You never know! Adult surprises are always bad!--Overheard everywhere

Chronically oversharing blonde woman: If I didn't know better, I'd swear there was a baby up in there, but there are three reasons I know that's impossible. For one thing, I'm on birth control, which is why I've gained twenty-five pounds. Twenty-five pounds! Also, I haven't had sex since (whispers) October, (resumes normal voice) so I'd be overdue. And I got my period today.--Overheard everywhere

Professor: When I tell people I'm an English professor they always ask what my favorite word is. You know what I tell them? "Fuck" is my favorite word. Also, "lackadaisical." How about "lackadaisical fuck"? (laughs)--Overheard everywhere

Goth girl on cell: His dick is huge! I came so hard I was crying! (notices several people looking at her and laughing) Do you fucking mind? This is a private conversation!--Overheard everywhere

Hobo to another: Guys like us were never taught the value of words. And that's why I always come out on top. Because I understand the meaning of the word "itinerant." And you, sir, are an itinerant and a philanderer!--Overheard everywhere

Student #1: I told my dad I wanted to be famous, and he told me I should kill someone. I was like, seven.
Student #2: At least he's supportive.--Overheard everywhere

Crazy hobo: I like your hair.
Girl: Thanks.
Crazy hobo: Can I have it?
Girl: No, it's mine.
Crazy hobo: Oh, okay.--Overheard everywhere

Five-year-old girl to little boy: What happened to our baby?
Little boy: Don't you worry about that baby, woman! I threw it in the trash!--Overheard everywhere

Loud fat ghetto chick to baby: See dat? See dat baby walking? That's what you need to be doing. I'm sick of carrying yo' ass around.--Overheard everywhere

Teacher: Okay, now what you do think is the chance of being killed by being struck by lightning?
Bimbette: Ummmm... probably like, one in two.
Class: (silence)
Teacher: One in two?
Bimbette: Wait! Make that one in ten.--Overheard everywhere

Girl #1: No, dude, I never knew New Jersey was in New York!
Girl #2: Yeah... I didn't even know New Jersey was a city!--Overheard everywhere

Husband, reading aloud from newspaper: Honey, did you know that women use an average of 30,000 words a day, while men only use 15,000?
Wife: That's probably because we have repeat everything to men.
Husband: What?--Overheard everywhere

Guy #1: I would sacrifice myself to save the rest of the world. Wouldn't you?
Guy #2: Naw, man. Fuck the world.--Overheard everywhere

Professor, at 8 am: If coffee doesn't work, drink RedBull. But if that doesn't work, I suggest amphetamines or heroin.--Overheard everywhere

Stoned #20-something: If you could have sex with any fictional character, who would it be?
Drunk #20-something: Christopher Walken.
Stoned #20-something: He's not fictional.
(pause)
Drunk #20-something: He might as well be!--Overheard everywhere

(little girl is spinning and singing in grocery store line)
Dad, very calmly: Honey... Next time the gypsies come to town, they're leaving with an extra person.--Overheard everywhere

Girl: She doesn't have sex.
Gay guy: Ugh. Why not? She looks like a dirty whore.
Girl: I don't know...
Gay guy: Like the kind of whore you'd spit on after cumming on her face.--Overheard in New York

Dad, to group of six-year-olds: What do you guys want to play today?
Boy: Crab salad!
Dad, confused: How in the world do you "play" crab salad?
Boy: We cover ourselves with mayonnaise and then run around and pinch each other!--Overheard in New York

Student: How are you grading the papers?
Teacher: Well, at home I have these two hats. In one hat I put the names of all the students. In the other hat I put all of the possible grades...--Overheard in New York

Young gay man: The only woman I would have sex with is Bjork.
Disgruntled friend: What? That's like a lesbian saying she'd go hetero for Andy Dick!--Overheard in New York

Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That's for you, you fucking bitch!--Overheard in New York

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!--Overheard in New York

Woman on cell: That bitch is mad ghetto. She wore her wedding dress to work.--Overheard in New York

Little girl with brand new doll: Mommy, what should I name her? I think I'll name her "Pussy"!
Mother: Uh!
Little girl: Pussy! Like "pussycat"!
Mother: Okay... maybe we should think of a different name!
Hipster sitting next to them: I'm going to have to send a few texts about this.--Overheard in New York

Angry ghetto chick #1: Bitch, after what you did to me, I ain't gonna wear no lip gloss to yo wedding!
Angry ghetto chick #2: Oh, bitch, you can try, but I will put the lip gloss on you!--Overheard in New York

Tattooed man in headphones: Hey man, you got a cigarette?
Hobo: Always.
Tattooed man in headphones: Really?
Hobo: Of course not. Look at me, I'm eating out of a trash can.--Overheard in New York

Short NYU girl: It's not fair! Why do I always have to suck his dick? He's your boyfriend.
Tall NYU girl: Well, he said I was really bad at it.--Overheard in New York

Hip girl: They're playing a lot of songs about anal sex.
Hip guy: Wait, what?
Hip girl: You know, "move to the back of the bus" is anal sex.
Hip guy: This song is about Rosa Parks.
Hip girl: Seriously?
Hip guy: It's called "Rosa Parks."
Hip girl: Well, Rosa Parks must have liked it in the ass. That's probably why she had to sit.--Overheard in New York

Mother to small crying child: Honey, I did listen to you, but I can't make myself care.--Overheard in New York

Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.--Overheard in New York

Girl #1: And then the interviewer asked me, "if you were on a deserted island with five handicapped people, what would you do to get off?" I was like "I don't know. We're screwed."
Girl #2: Wow.
Girl #1: Seriously. We would be screwed. I would just sit under a palm tree and pray or make smoke signals or something.
Girl #2: Yeah, I don't know what I would do either.
Girl #1: Well at least she said my answer was funny. Then she told me about the time she asked that question to some girl. Her response was that she would take all the people who had Down syndrome and use them as a raft to float to safety.--Overheard in New York

Girlfriend: I want to have four kids and live in Nantucket, is that too much to ask?
Not-so-much-anymore boyfriend: Ugh... Please, don't talk to me about this now.
Girlfriend: Why? What's so wrong with having a life goal with you?
Not-so-much-anymore boyfriend: Because we are 14.--Overheard in New York

Kid: Why is it raining so much?
Mom: The rain is god's tears, because Michael Jackson is dead.--Overheard in New York

Hyper five-year-old boy #1, shocked: And in France, men kiss each other! On the cheek!
Hyper five-year-old boy #2, mumbling: Wow, I wish I was French.
Hyper five-year-old boy #1, puzzled: Wait, what?
Hyper five-year-old boy #2, disgruntled, sighing: Nothing.--Overheard in New York

Midwestern grandmother, seeing granddaughter play on subway: She's working on her pole dancing, just like her mother.--Overheard in New York

Woman to Shih Tzu: Yo! I'm walking you, you're not walking me--calm down!--Overheard in New York

Ghetto kids, as 95-year-old Chinese lady walks into moving traffic: Damn, she think she playing Frogger!--Overheard in New York

Preteen emo boy #1: What's "gonorrhea"?
Preteen emo boy #2: An STD.
Preteen emo boy #1: Seriously? I thought it was a species of fish!--Overheard in New York

Tourist to MTA employee: Do you have a map of, like the touristy places?
MTA employee: Yes.
Tourist: That will show us like, the Eiffel Tower and stuff?
MTA employee: The Eiffel Tower is in France.--Overheard in New York

Guy #1: She won't do it. She won't take my last name. It's really important to me. You just don't get it. It's the psychology of the thing!
Guy #2: You have the same last name.--Overheard in New York

Small child, pointing to douches: What are those, mommy?
Mischievous teen, intervening: Candy.--Overheard in New York

Queer #1: Let's go see a movie.
Queer #2: Okay... What do you want to see?
Queer #1: Let's go see Milk.
Queer #2: Isn't that about a retarded man who becomes President?--Overheard in New York

Dude #1: It's pretty easy to tell when he's depressed.
Dude #2: Oh, of course. He starts crying and doing push ups.--Overheard in New York

Woman: Umm...I have to go. Sorry.
Creepster: It's okay, we'll meet in another life... As cats.--Overheard in New York

Student: Wait so why is everyone switching to blue ray?
Professor: Because the film industry follows the porn industry. (pauses) That's the truth. That's where all the money is.
Student: (stares blankly)
Professor: What? It's a billion-dollar industry. I can't be the only guy who buys it.
Student: (stares horrified)
Professor: Fuck you. I have tenure.--Overheard in New York

Excited girlfriend: Hey, are these soap bars?
Disinterested boyfriend: I don't know, why don't you drop one and find out?--Overheard in New York

Father of four, attempting herd jumping children on street: Okay, the next child that doesn't listen to me will be sold!--Overheard in New York

Guy: So I fucked her on a bench, but I didn't finish, because I kept telling her about my girlfriend and how much I love her. So she got pissed of and took a taxi home to her parents.--Overheard in New York

Elderly security guard #1: You got plans this weekend?
Elderly security guard #2: Nah, man.
Elderly security guard #1: Oh, I know what you got planned!
Elderly security guard #2: Nothin', man. I'm gonna be sleepin'.
Elderly security guard #1: Sleepin' like a pervert!--Overheard in New York

Guy: I'd like the two-for-one sundae deal.
Employee, agitated: It's not two-for-one!
Guy: It's not?
Employee: It's "buy one, get one free"!--Overheard in New York

Blonde: I love Cinco de Mayo!
Friend: Any excuse to drink is fine with me!
Blonde: Did you know that it's Mexico's Independence Day?
Friend: Doesn't everyone?
Blonde: I didn't. I just think it's so funny, because we don't even celebrate America's Independence Day.
Friend: What?--Overheard in New York

Frat boy #1: Dude, let's get some pussy!
Frat boy #2: Where?
Frat boy #1: Use your GPS!--Overheard in New York

Passer-by to hobo: Nice chair!
Hobo: Why, thank you, I'm a professional bum.--Overheard in New York

Girl #1: I hate my life! I need to go out there! Like drive to Hawaii!
Girl #2: You can't drive to Hawaii, you don't even have a license!--Overheard in New York

Gay guy #1: Well, I was fed up with Maria. I told her that the conversation was over. I said, "girl, this is it. You better stop this or I will cut you." Like "I know where you live, girl. You better watch your back."
Annoying Latina, laughing: Well, you better be careful if you go and cut her. I think she might have Aids.
Gay guy #2: Say what?
Gay guy #1: Okay, what?
Annoying Latina: Yeah, well, it's okay cause not all Aids are bad.
Gay guy #1: Girl, what are you talking about? Aids is Aids!
Annoying Latina: Yeah, but there's those people that live with it. Its not that bad.
Gay guy #2: Okay, girl, then you go get Aids and tell me how that goes.--Overheard in New York

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!--Overheard in New York

Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.--Overheard in New York

Dumb woman looking at Chinese takeout menu: Chicken and rice soup. What's in it?
Confused woman behind counter: Chicken and rice.
Dumb woman: In a soup?
Confused woman: Yeeaah. That's why it's called "chicken and rice soup."
Dumb woman: Okay, I'll have that.--Overheard in New York

Girl: He had Tetris.
Guy: Tetris?
Girl: You know, when you twitch involuntarily.
Guy: Oh, you mean Tourette's syndrome!--Overheard in New York

Bimbette #1: So then I found out he hooked up with Amy while I was peeing in the bathroom.
Bimbette #2: Did you still sleep with him?
Bimbette #1: Yeah, of course! Why should I let her have all the fun? I just don't know what to do now, though cause I feel like I had her sloppy seconds.
Random lady sitting in front of them: Girls can you shut the hell up already? I'm trying to enjoy a quiet train ride home. No one here cares who you slept with, we all know you're gonna be with a different guy next week, anyway.
(girls jump up and run out of train car, one in tears)--Overheard in New York

Blind man: Alright, man, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Friend: You won't see nothing, you're blind!
Blind man: Shut up!--Overheard in New York

Young woman: I heard this funny joke. A man comes home and his wife says "Your boss called and said that you were fired." The man answers "Fuck him!", and the woman says "I did, and now you have your job back."
Woman's husband: I don't get it.
Eight-year-old son: C'mon dad, she made out with the boss!--Overheard in New York

Man #1, in chaise lounge: Men and women have totally different criteria for attractiveness.
Man #2, also in chaise lounge: How so?
Man #1: A guy can look like a fucking bullfrog in a Beatle wig, but if he's charming and especially if he has money, women will be all over him.
Man #2: Yeah, especially if he has money.
Man #1: But let's say a really hot chick walked past us right now in a thong, and another woman says to us, "watch out for her, she's been in and out of mental institutions."
Man #2: We'd still want to fuck her.
Man #1: Exactly.
Man #2: Point well taken.--Overheard in New York

Professor to couple making out during lecture: Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?
Guy: Oh sorry, one of our friends bet us 50 bucks we wouldn't make out during a lecture.
Guy in front of him to his girlfriend: We have got to get in on that!--Overheard in New York

Teacher: Which race of people were counted as 3/5 of a person during the 1850s in the South?
Student: Midgets.--Overheard in New York

Five-year-old kid: What's that?
Mom: That's baseball. Like on a Wii but in real life.--Overheard in New York

Teenage boy #1: All I'm saying is it's false advertising. If you suck dick, you should say you suck dick.
Teenage boy #2: But then everyone will think you're a fag.
Teenage boy #3: No, no way. You're telling me that just because I meet a guy whose dick I want to suck, people will think I'm a fag?--Overheard in New York

Guy: So then he put my Speedo on his head and I was like "Dude! That was from the dirty basket!"
Girl: Gross! Did he get pink eye?
Guy: No?
Girl: I heard that if you get poop in your eye you get pink eye.
Guy: I don't poop in my Speedo!--Overheard in New York

Student, to friend who just bashed the side of his head: What the hell? You're hurting my ganglia!--Overheard in New York

Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla!--Overheard in New York

Professor: So I told my grad students they could have an A if they earned it, or if they beat me in a 12-minute cage fight.--Overheard in New York

Ghetto girl #1: What are you staring at?!
Ghetto girl #2: That wasn't there before.
Ghetto girl #1: What?
Ghetto girl #2, very seriously: The Empire State Building!--Overheard in New York

Woman on cell: Did you try changing its diaper? (pause) What about smacking it around a little and telling it to shut up?--Overheard in New York

Young woman to friend: And I was getting so fucking mad at my boss, so I reached into my bag and pulled out the emergency extra strength maxi-pad I always carry, and walked into his office and threw it at his face. And he looks at me calmly, picks it up, opens it up and sticks it to his desk, and then takes his bottle of water and starts pouring it onto the pad. So I scream, "what the fuck are you doing?" and he looks at me and says, "I want to see if the commercials are true."--Overheard in New York

Madison Square Garden worker: Sir... Sir! Sir, where the hell do you think you're going?
Man, with five-year-old kid: I'm gettin' in the line for the bathroom.
Madison Square Garden worker: Sir, it looks to me like you're trying to get into the ladies bathroom.
Man: But I got a kid!
Madison Square Garden worker: Did you give birth to your kid?
Man: No!
Madison Square Garden worker: Then it looks to me like you're in the wrong fuckin line.--Overheard in New York

Product development guy: I just got an e-mail in Chinese... What do I do?
Product development gal: Just copy/paste it into Microsoft Word and change the font.
Product development guy: It's Chinese, not Wingdings.--Overheard in the office

Office woman to male manager with aluminum water bottle: Wow, look at you! Going green! Nice!
Manager: If a man really wants to go green, he'll kill himself and let himself be used as fertilizer.--Overheard in the office

Female account manager: Kevin*, maybe you know this. I've been asking everyone and no one wants to tell me. What is a "pearl necklace?"
Kevin* (gay HR director): Oh, boy. Shut the door, please.--Overheard in the office

Coworker #1: The system won't let me type any letters in the credit field of my insurance quote.
Coworker #2: Have you tried confessing your darkest sins to the Lord and trying again?
Coworker #1: I'll just have the help desk do it.--Overheard in the office

Woman: Can you put green peppers and mushrooms on one half and pepperoni on the other?
Pizza Hut guy: Yes, we have the technology to do that.--Overheard in the office

Male coworker #1: I'm having trouble concentrating today.
Male coworker #2: That's because you can't stop looking at me.
Male coworker #1: Every time I look at you, my retinas vomit into my glasses.--Overheard in the office

CSR: Hello Mrs. Batman? This is Robin calling from your hearing aid company about your recent hearing aid purchase. (pause) No, I'm not kidding. My name really is Robin and I'm calling about your hearing aid.--Overheard in the office

Man on cell: Where the hell is my box of mustaches?--Overheard in the office

Little girl in grocery store, jumping up and down with excitement: MOM! MOM!!! Can we get the Hannah Montana cereal?
Mom, to daughter: I’m just gonna buy you Cheerios, and you can sprinkle some glitter on them.--Overheard in Minneapolis

Little kid on a scooter: Dad, I think I got something in my eye!
Father: What, a bug?
Little kid: No. A squirrel!
Father: Isn’t a squirrel a little big to get in your eye?
Little kid: Yeah, but I got it out.--Overheard in Minneapolis

20-something girl on cell phone: No mom, I can’t collect unemployment; I didn’t get laid off. (pause) It’s not unemployment. Teachers don’t work in the summer because there are no kids to teach.--Overheard in Minneapolis

Mom to employee: Are we on the first floor or the second?
Employee: First floor.
Mom to daughter: Call dad and tell him we’re on the second floor. It’ll confuse him enough to give us 20 more minutes to shop.--Overheard in Minneapolis